Day 8 and 9: Beautifully grotesque

Mermaids. Kind of disturbing, right? I can't get over it. That is probably why they're interesting me so much. We having something that is fantastically beautiful, living in a world that on its own can kill us. A world that doesn't even want us. I'd say that maybe mermaids are an allegorical representation of the ocean taking its revenge on the human race. Except the only problem with that is that mermaids have existed in mythology for much longer than we've been destroying things. (Debatable, but let's stick with that.) I don't necessarily blame mermaids for wanting to kill people, or being confused by the difference between a living human and a dead human. It's rather complicated, yet without much difference at all. If you really think about it. It's also much more difficult to tell when you're constantly underwater. Being shriveled and scaly must make an impact on your mind's processes. Whatever the case... mermaids. Mermen. Merfolk. Fascinating. Beautifully grotesque and frightening. In a majestic kind of way. That being said... without further ado. The finished doll.

I am quite pleased. She is embellished within an inch of her life. Exaggeration, but it was work. Not as much work as other projects that I have subjected myself to, so it was a nice break. She is made of sequins, wool, embroidery floss, sea shells, faux coral (I think it's fake... you know those red stone things that used to make up necklaces for royalty? Is that coral? Whatever the case, it feels fake...), faux pearl beads, and silkscreened face and body. I'm very pleased. Her hair looks bleached, and looks like there's seaweed tangled into it. She's shiny, dazzling, and has a look of joyful contempt. Her expression changes depending on the angle of her face. Strange, but oh-so satisfying.

I am writing this from a coffee shop in downtown Calgary. I spent part of my morning at ACAD, doing my part to refurbish the walls and make them pretty again. Because I have to work this evening, I decided to gallivant about, and go downtown.  Downtown is such a strange place. It's always a bizarre mix of lives and faces, a mixing pot for every social class and walk of life. I like it, but it's not my favourite part of Calgary. It's rather dirty, and it's full of impatient people who have become a little more than ornery. Despite the people, I do occasionally make my way to Stephen Avenue to visit Caffe Rosso (one of my favourite coffee shops in the city), and visit the Glenbow (the benefit of paying for memberships). I am eating a hearty sandwich, a strong and creamy Earl Grey (just the way I like it), and eyeing a ginger molasses cookie. I can't help but wonder what this makes me. The fact that I am in a coffee shop, writing my blog. That is what a void of internet at home will get you, I suppose. It's also nice to have a change of pace, and some time completely by myself. That is why I chose to not write in the department studio. Sometimes you need to shake things up, and remove yourself from your normal surroundings. Ideally, it should be somewhere quiet and without people, but a coffee shop sometimes works just as well. Just something different.

I'm at a point of change. I'm not sure where the change will  take me, or what the change will involve. I just know that there is change in progress. I think part of that comes from the fact that it is the end of the semester, and I am coming to terms with where this puts me, and how my art is evolving. It's a strange place to be. Kind of a weird mixture between a nirvana and a dark void. I'm no longer as stressed as I was, because I have grounded myself, and I can just finish things with the knowledge that once I am done, I can rest for a little while. I will be done. For a little while. Even a little while is better than never, or not at all. I'm also at a point of discovery, research, and it's wonderful.

I stumbled upon an article than discussed Francisco Goya's "Black Paintings". Specially, Saturn Devouring His Son. This prompted me to start reading about the paintings, and I fell into a world of Goya. I've always liked Goya. His paintings are dark, intimidating, rank with emotion. While reading about the paintings on an art history website (or something of the sort), I found a quote about Goya that struck chords with me. "The constant fear of a relapse made him impatient". 

I can't even express how much this sang to me. How much the paintings made me feel, and how much they made me think about my present mindset in art. It's not spot on with Francisco Goya, but it's pretty close. Just like that, I could make things again.

That brings me to now, today, and the fact that I feel like I'm at a crossroads. A change. I don't know what the change is, but it feels comforting, and I welcome this sense. Maybe the change is just the fact that I have moved out of stress, and it feels like this semester has been nothing but. The only thing is, I know that it's not going to last. Nothing ever does. Which is why the Black Paintings inspired me to make this.

The doll is shaped like Saturn's son in one of the paintings. Missing head and arm, because they have been consumed. Details of French knots and script embroidery. "The constant fear of a relapse made him impatient" is embroidering on the stomach and chest. It seems that relapse can be inevitable. You just have to recognize that you aren't alone, and you can't let the fear of, or the relapse, control you. 

I think that's all I can say for now. Or that I have to say. But in a completely different realm, this gingersnap is absolutely wonderful (darest I say perfect?). Caffe Rosso was a good choice. Now, to walk to work, and continue that part of my life.

Day 6 & 7: Merfolk

This is almost definitely be an ongoing thing. Our internet keeps not connecting, or something, which is a pain. This means that every time I want to blog, I can't, and then I lose track of where I am in my daily blogs. So, every now and then I will lump days together, just so that I can get on track. Also, I'm often working on the same thing over the span of days, so it works out in the end. I think... It's probably better than posting several short, hasty, blogs about the same thing.

Here's what I've been working on.

Behold! My work-in-progress mermaid and sailor dolls. I printed lots of the silkscreen parts, so I'll be mixing and matching the parts later on (I really want to make a merman). I started with a silkscreen base for the body parts, scales, faces, details, et cetera, and I am now building with embellishment and details. I'm thinking that I'll make a book to go along with the dolls. A tiny hardcover bound with scale fabric. The story inside will probably be text to do with mermaids and mermaid legends, and how mermaids are actually terrifying. They're beautiful, grotesque, disturbing creatures. I mean, in most of the legends, stories, and fairy tales, mermaids either kill people, or they can't tell the difference between a living person and a dead person. Creepy. While I was sewing sequins and pearls onto the mermaid's tail, I kept thinking about the phrase 'How doth the little crocodile improve its shining tail'. My brain changed this to 'How doth the little mermaid improve its shining tail', and then I started thinking about how many the mermaids kill sailors to smear the blood on their tails to make them more youthful and shining (Elizabeth Bathory style). I'm thinking that I'll write something to do with it. After all, that's me. Create something beautiful, but always with weird and moderately disturbing undertones. 

Back to the formal qualities of the dolls (yes, let's move away from the theme of murderous mermaids). I'm really looking forward to doing the hair on the mermaid. I'm planning to combine thicker natural white wool with bits of pastel-sea-palette-type-coloured embroidery thread, with bits of sequins and beads (to tie into the tail). Also, my Mum gave me a ziplock bag of shells that she picked for me when they were on a beach. They're all quite lovely, and she couldn't have given them to me at a better time. I'm going to attach one or two shells to the hair, around the ears (inspired by these beautiful old illustrations of the mermaids/water nymphs from  Peter Pan). I'm very excited about these dolls. It's also just incredibly nice to change from garments. All the weight I was feeling was... well... heavy. I think that I'll have to make sure that I always find a balance between heavy and light. Otherwise I'll get crushed, and I'd like to hope that no one wants that.

Day 5: Permanence feels like a sunburn.

My tattoos are finished. It took about an hour and a half, and I'm pleased. Very pleased. My tattoos were done by Neil Horvath at Studio Phi. He took my initial design, and made his own design, which I was happy with. I like his work, and giving him license to make something amazing was something that I was happy to do. 

This is a crummy photo, so I apologize. I took it immediately after I was finished. I had been laying down for a while, being prodded with needles, so I felt a little bit woozy. Just a tad shaky. The pain of the tattoo wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would have been. I've been through electrolysis, and I think that that was more painful. Also, I had my wrist done first, and I think that that hurt a bit more. The fox tattoo hurt a bit around my collar bone (as is expected), but for the most part, it wasn't unpleasant, and I would liken it to repetitive cat scratches. A bit painful, but when your body gets used to it, it's not that bad. 

Now, for some questions that you might be having. 

What were you thinking? I was thinking that I needed this, and I carefully thought it all out. Whatever the case, too late to turn back now. And, fortunately for me, I'm really pleased with it.

What if you get tired of looking at it? I'm not tired of the freckles or scars on my body. They're a part of who I am, and reflect a moment in time. The difference is that this was something that I decided on, and is unique to me. It reflects myself at age 21. It's not like I'm going to blatantly ignore that I was ever that age, and try to ignore this part of my life. 

Is it really worth the permanence, and the pain? Yes. I think so. At least for me it is. After a while, I probably won't really think about it any more. It's just going to be another part of my body. I'm okay with that.

(I quote) "OMFG". What? It's my body. Generally, that's the same reaction that people give for most of the decisions I make. The only difference is that the decisions I make are never rash. They are actually heavily calculated and considered. I have made exactly one rash decision in my life. That was getting snake bites. Which, I don't regret. I actually miss them quite a bit. Good thing is, I have a small scar to remind me of the fond memories that I made while with those piercings. Sure, my fox tattoo may not be everyone's taste. That goes for most of the things in my life. Other people don't have to like it. The funny thing is, if I had never shared that I was going to get or had gotten a tattoo, no one would know until I wore a tank top. Which really isn't that often. The tattoo is going to be covered most of the time. If I had gotten it to annoy other people, or please other people, or whatever, I would have gotten it in a more visual place. However, I got it for myself. I just happen to share all of my more interesting endeavors. 

I would just like to say that I never have any regrets. Every decision you make, good or bad, is a learning experience. If it's for the worse, you work it out. That's part of living. That's part of being a human who has the ability to make decisions. Not every decision you will make is a good one. Not every decision you make is a bad one. You just have to have the wisdom to nod your acknowledgement to the fates, and to life, and move on. 

The good news is, this decision was a good one. It is the one that I needed. 

For the record, this is my wrist tattoo. Like I said, it hurt a little bit more. It was my introduction to tattoos, and technically my first. It means a lot to me, which is why it is on my wrist, where I can see it every day. 

So. What else did I do today? Not much. I spent most of my non-tattooing-non-teacher-meeting-times reading. Specifically, reading a fantastic novel. I've been reading The Postmortal by Drew Magary. It's a science fiction novel about a not-too-distant future where a scientist discovers the cure for aging. Essentially immortality, but you can still die from disease, murder, et cetera. You just never die from old age. You can't. The book is really interesting because it's like watching the world slowly descend into madness. A slow descend towards the end. The way it's written and formatted makes me think of World War Z (also a very good book). I'm about half way through the book, and really enjoying it. I've been reading a lot lately, and so far this book has been grabbing me the most, both in story and writing. Thus far, I recommend it. Even if you don't like science fiction. It's a bit more than that. 

That is all for today. Until tomorrow.

Day 4: Sailor and Mermaid

 

I am taking a break from garments. Making such content-heavy garments was starting to make me feel weighed down, and personally damaged. I've decided to stop, at least for a while. I need to work on lighter, more whimsical, things. I've decided that I want to renew myself, allow myself to become lighter, and rediscover what is important, before I return to working on things that are so full of meaning, and content. Thus, I have completely changed gears. I've decided to return to making art dolls and smaller things. 

The above drawings are my sketches of the dolls that I'm going to make for my final silkscreen project. No heavy content, just playing off of my current fascinating with mermaids and water folklore. I'm going to be printing the faces, patterns, and some details of the dolls. I'm going to print enough so that I can make an edition of the dolls if I want. Maybe even make some variations of the dolls. For the first two dolls I'm printing on already sewn bodies. 

The cloth for the first two dolls is vintage, aged, cotton. It has a nice tone to it. The other editions will be printed on newer cotton, or whatever I have around. I'm thinking about printing cloth for a few other dolls if I have time. At very least, I'll do lots of faces. Even if I don't use them, I'm not really losing anything. I'm sure I'll use it at some point, or for something. 

Day 2 and 3: Without Internet

It's seeming like this is becoming a weekly thing. On weekends, we are without internet. Which, isn't terribly helpful, because that is when we need internet most (during the week, we can just use the internet at school). Because of the lack of internet for the weekend, my blogging schedule is already a bit messed up. Ah well. Here goes...

Saturday.

I had to go into work for the evening, which is alright. While I was waiting in the car (I'm always quite early), I doodled and sketched and wrote a little bit. This was my favourite one. As quirky as it is.

 

When I got home, we watched a bunch of films, and I drew some Alice in Wonderland things. 

Sunday.

We went about to get a few things, and went to the thrift store. We slept late, and had a lazy Sunday. I introduced my husband to eating oysters on crackers with cheese and pickles. It was something that I haven't eaten for a while. Both of us enjoyed it. Later on in the evening I started working on a doll. I felt like it was a good time to make dolls again. 

Day 1: Back in the Game

I've decided to return to doing daily creative blogs. So... here's to another year! I'm going to be more open in terms of what I can post about. Instead of not including Etsy or school, I'm going to include anything and everything that I make. 

And thus... Are you sitting comfortably? Excellent. Let us begin.

I've been having a bit of an identity crisis, and a lot of that is stemming from my lack of creativity, and lack of... everything. I'm happy being a wife, and that's about the only thing that I feel confident in. Which... would be fine. Except for the fact that I'm struggling through school. I'm just doing everything that I can to tip toe through the next two weeks, and trying to make my way through it. I can only hope that being off for the Christmas holidays will make it better. Maybe this artist block will fade then. Still, I'm struggling to get through. It's messing with my views of self, and my identity. Not to mention permanence. 

Thus, I am getting a tattoo. Two, actually. We have yet to get our wedding tattoos, but I feel like this is something that I need to do. I know that a lot of people will ask questions, and ask me if I'm sure, and so on, and I can answer them happily.

What about when you're older? How will they look when you're old? Tattoos don't determine how your body will look when you're old. You do. It doesn't matter what's on your body; if you don't take care of your body, it can look wretched regardless. If you exercise, eat well, and take care of your skin, you'll look fine. There's plenty of older people whose bodies look fine.

What if you regret it when you're older? Tattoos are like scars. The only difference is that you can choose where they go, and what they mean. You are choosing to memorialize a time in your life, and making a decision to carry that throughout your life. Even if the way you feel about the imagery changes, you'll think back to what it meant. That will always be with you. 

How can you do that to your body? I'm pretty sure that people have done worse things to their body. Also, there's a phrase floating around the internet. "Your body is a temple. Why not decorate the walls?"

Getting a tattoo is something that I feel like I need to do. I feel like I don't have much permanence or certainty in my life. I have my husband, and my family, and every day I am thankful for those people who I love more than the world. Still, I don't feel like I have myself. My response is to decorate my body, with things that remind me who I am, and the things that are important to me. 

I am actually getting two tattoos. One will be near my collar bone, and is the fox drawing above (roughly). The tattoo artist who is doing my tattoo is going to do a couple of re-designs of it in his style, and it's going to be great. Just black and grey ink, and not very big. Why am I choosing this tattoo? Well, the fox is one of my spirit animals. One person told me that he feels like it's actually a pack of foxes (which isn't a thing, which is why it's so fascinating). Foxes are an animal that I relate to, and I feel like they've been present for a lot of moments in my life. I once had a conversation with a fox, and the engagement ring that my husband gave me is a fox. I find nothing more graceful or beautiful than a fox in the wild, and I feel blessed that I've had so many interactions with foxes. They're so beautiful, clever, and graceful. All of the things that I try to be, at least on the inside. The symbol on the fox's face is the alchemy symbol for sulphur, which according to alchemists is the omnipresent spirit of life. For the past few weeks, I have been drawing the sulphur symbol. I find something very calming about it. Not to mention that the idea of the 'omnipresent spirit of life' strikes chords with me. It makes me think about my spirituality, my relationship with God, and, of course, the presence and importance of life in general. The overall design was inspired by my fascinating with "cosmic foxes". No, cosmic foxes are not a thing. I made it up. It just combines two of my favourite things. The power of the universe and the power of an individual creature.

Along with the fox tattoo, I am also getting a small tattoo on my wrist. This is particularly important to me, because of past experiences, and I want to have a reminder. The tattoo is going to be three small black or grey dots in a row. I got the idea from Hobo dots (a type of tattoo that's common in Sweden, only the three dots form a triangle). The number three means a lot of things. For me, it mostly means 'past, present, and future'. It also echoes ellipses points (...) which are one of my favourite forms of punctuation. For me, it says keep going. You have every reason to. 

I'm really excited to get my tattoos done. Because I'm not getting colour done on either tattoo, the tattoo artist thinks that they'll take between half an hour and an hour. The dots will take maybe thirty seconds? And thus, two tattoos in one day. I'm booked to get them on Tuesday. I'm really excited. This decision is one of the only ones that I've been happy about in recent days.

Day 365: The Final Day

I can't believe that it's already been a year. So much has changed, and a lot hasn't. I've made so much, and yet, I also feel like I haven't. What a year. Thank you for everyone who kept up reading this blog, and supporting me (even when I wasn't making anything, or posting anything interesting). Where do I go from here? I think that I'm going to try to keep up with daily posting on my other blog, Grimm By Design. 

I can't really express what I've learned, or how it has changed how I create work. It's been a ride, and it's been something. Who knows? Maybe in a few weeks, or a few months, I'll do another 365 days.

Day 364: Breakfast

Breakfast! A lazy Sunday, started off with sleeping in, and having breakfast (banana chocolate chip pancakes, and  hot chocolate) while watching Modern Family (great show). We wanted to have a relaxed morning before we went out with my husband's parents and brother. It was a grand time, and it was nice to see them.  Supper and going to a bookstore is always a good combination.

A good day! And I made whipped cream to go on hot chocolate this morning. It was wonderful.

Day 363: Black Dress and Flying Foxes

Earlier today, I found the above photo. It is a photo of orphaned flying foxes. Flying foxes are one of the largest species of bats. And they are so adorable! Furthermore... look at these little babies in their cuddly pastel blankets! ...Your arguments are invalid. Flying foxes are fascinating to me because they combine two of my favourite things: Bats and foxes. My favourite animals. Both are so beautiful, curious, majestic. 

So I drew this.

Also, today, I made the majority of a dress for my silkscreen project.

This is an awful photo, and it also doesn't do the piece justice. Now, the dress isn't perfect. I was supposed to be made out of cotton, but Fabricland is full of lies. Horrible, bitter, lies. Or rather, lots and lots of mislabeling. And what is it with "100% Unknown Fibers". I didn't really let it hit me until I started sewing, and the weight, and the weave were a bit weird. Did a burn test. It was pretty much only plastic. Lame. See, if I'd wanted polyester, it would have been fine.  But I didn't want polyester. I trusted Fabricland's label. I trusted them. I don't think that  I ought to shop there any more. It's comparatively expensive, and for less nice material. Okay for some things, but not all.  Not when all I want is cotton. Blah. The dress is going to work out, but yeah. Hopefully use of actual cotton and silk/viscose  fabrics will even out the dress. Which is super, super heavy. 

Day 362: Not much achieved

Last night was Hallowe'en, and we were up until 3:30 or 4 in the morning. Ah, the joys of youth and adventuring. Needless to say, I didn't get much done. However, I did buy fabric for my silkscreen projects, and I found a pair of great winter boots (I haven't had new and warm- but fairly light- winter boots for a while, and I found this fantastic pair at Winners). So, good day. Then my husband and I ate an entire cucumber, carrot, and red pepper between the two of us. A craving for fresh vegetables was caused by devouring lots of sugar. Thank you, bodies, for telling us what we need. And thank you, world, for allowing me to find the perfect winter boots.